The Grand Minister made, as his presidential campaign team dubbed it, "an unscheduled campaign stop" this morning to attend the annual JP Morgan Shareholders Meeting in Tampa, FL. All smiles, the Grand Minister stormed into the room and ascended the stage to the podium, immediately launching into a torrent of expletive-laden condemnations of the multinational banking corporation, its "ravenous corporatist cockmavenry" and all such entities of its ilk. The epic blindside blitz comes less than a week after the announcement of the banking corporations loss of $2 billion on synthetic high-risk credit derivatives.
Amidst the righteous firestorm of Mayhem, Grand Minister Adams made several campaign promises to the gathered board of directors, including his personal guarantee that "when I win this shit in November" the entire board would be reduced to "fucking beggars" within 3 months of his inauguration. Adams elaborated on this point, which is to be a definitive hallmark of his campaign, informing the board of his plans to elevate the entirety of the nation's current lower class while simultaneously reducing all members of the board and likewise institutions to abject poverty, switching it on them in a measure he has entitled "Flipmode Is The Greatest." Upon completion of the Flipmode Measure, the Grand Minister will then eliminate all federal funding for food stamps, public housing and similar social programs.
"IT AIN'T SAFE NO MORE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" were Adams parting words.
JP Morgan CEO, Jamie Dimon was facing down the chopping block at the meeting following the $2 BIL fiasco. Early on in the conference Adams addressed Dimon directly, letting him know that while President Obama may consider Dimon to be "one of the smartest bankers we got," the Grand Minister informed Dimon that he considers him a "fucking idiot." Following his speech, Adams hobnobbed with Occupy Wall Street protesters in the massive demonstration outside and joined in the resistance effort announcing "I just shat all over those motherfuckers! It was GREAT!!!" When accosted by the media the Grand Minister told them all to "get fucked" agreeing only to speak to an Access Hollywood reporter about how he was "all about" Howard Stern's debut on America's Got Talent the night before.
Throughout the morning, all media outlets zeroed in on the Grand Minister's sure-to-be-legendary shareholder meeting shocker. Debate centered around Adams' political motives in the epic assault, with many suspecting that the move came to further draw liberal Democrats to his side by providing an uncompromising example of direct confrontation with the banking industry for those who remain critical of the Obama administration for not being tougher on Wall Street. Conservatives and establishment Democrats (like everyone on CNN) who remain skeptical of the Grand Minister's well-documented strategic aptitude, downplayed the tact of the spectacle granting more likelihood to Adams lust for off-the-cuff havoc as the primary cause of the party crashing.
Appearing on Democracy Now! earlier today, Mayhem 2012 campaign manager and Ministry of General Mayhem Secretary General, Colum O'Connolly clarified the Grand Minister's economic stance by outlining specific goals for the Mayhem presidency, including a widely applied implementation of the Volcker Rule and an immediate update and reinstatement of the Glass-Steagall Act.
"As if we required further evidence that the economic policies of deregulation in the face of certain Armageddon were failing us, along comes Dimon's missing billions," O'Connolly scoffed. "The goddamn plane crashed into the mountain less than four years ago and now the ones that flew us into it are holding us all hostage as we slide down into the bloody crevasse!"
O'Connolly stressed that a Mayhem presidency would streak to bring about economic reforms that would create an economic environment in which a profitable banking industry would be impossible. While the official Mayhem platform is to be released to the public by next week, O'Connolly emphasized the fact that campaign finance reform will be the front and center issue throughout the Adams administration.
"As the Grand Minister has said before, 'we can have no real reform without campaign finance reform,'" O'Connolly said. "So long as our so-called representatives in government are predestined to the bankrolls of these multinationals, we will never again no security and prosperity in this country."
Vice-Presidential speculation for the Mayhem ticket continues to swirl around Sen. Bernie Sanders.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
It's a cool nite. Unseasonably, I'm told. So unseasonably, in fact, that it may very well fuck up my flight back to New York tomorrow morning. No matter, really. Brooklyn will be there when I get back, and she's always loved to keep me waiting. Besides, it's a lovely nite. I currently find myself sprawled out on a tiny beige porch, peering out over a fair oasis fashioned into the desert land; cluttered with large palm trees around an oblong turquoise pool surrounded by sand-colored apartments all lording over the silent courtyard below. Silent, save the dashing paws of an occasional couple of cottontails in and out of the bushes. Mating season is in full swing, you see, so the exhibitionist bunnies can't go 5 minutes without chasing one another along the water's edge, indulging a quickie against a lone palm and then darting back out of sight, only to repeat the courtship once more. I'm puffing intermittently upon a real beautiful bastard of a stogie, dark full and Dominican, dousing the dull delectable fire it keeps leaving in my throat with a stash of Dos Equis, scattered all over the table. I'm not much of a smoker these days, but this nite, you know, it wouldn't let me get away without it. It really had to be.
I've chosen to go on holiday amid the battlegrounds of Arizona; a state self-appointed as our first and final defense against the Mexican Invasion. Two men were gunned down Sunday nite, in a town a bit south of the one I find myself in now, when the van smuggling them into the country was ambushed by terrorist rifleman. Yes, we have those here. One of the murdered was Mexican, therefore returning to land which was previously Mexican. His family has been notified. The other was from Guatemala and the sheriff's dept.'s on the horn with the Guatemalan consulate trying to figure out who he is. The governor would surely pin a badge of honor on both shooters for exemplary performance of their civic duty if they hadn't gone into hiding.
The words of the new colossus, beloved Mother of Exiles alighting
the glorious shores of my fair city and nation, speak of setting foot
upon this land as passing through a holy portal into a new world as a mother's embrace while all
old worlds deteriorate in the collective wake of these new denizens of the
shining city on the hill (It also says they're shit).:
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she.
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
In
lieu of a desert sibling to the Statue of Liberty, the south-west border provides only the welcome
of armed militiamen awaiting the sand-tempest-tost to render them fresh casualties of
Manifest Destiny. Glancing at the Ol' Glory I've hung over the ledge to my right, I shake my head a bit, tempted to ask it where the game first went wrong. Just a few more beers and I probably will. A few more and I'll try to remember what made me sling it there in the first place. It is a lovely flag. Lovely in spite of its centuries draped across the last vestiges of a proud nation driven into forced whoredom by Washington pimps and madams of industry. It's nothing I would pledge allegiance to. It's cloth, after all, it won't answer or acknowledge me. It doesn't grant me some supernatural rite or lend vindication to my deeds beyond exception. It doesn't give me anything I didn't already have. But it is lovely all the same, this tri-colored shawl adorning my sad beautiful sex slave of a country.
Inside I hear the television's incessant monotonic conveyance of umbrage from South Florida as the sportscasters take turns making inept attempts at legitimately framing the riot Ozzie Guillen started last week. From what I've gathered, Guillen has a history of backpedaling on acclamations heaped on Latin American leftist leaders. His admiration for Castro seems akin to that of his affection for Hugo Chavez, leader of Guillen's native Venezuela, as he has cheered them on for consistently defying American power in a way that Guillen has proved incapable of doing himself. Given the immediacy of his apology, and second apology, and seeing as Guillen, apparently, has no aspirations for activism, it's suffice to say that common sense was not in play here when he gave the interview that spawned an automatic PR nightmare. Regardless of what he actually believes, if there are any views he does have the backbone to own up to, consequences be damned, these are clearly not among them. But none of this excuses those who have played their role in fostering our nation's hysterical hypocritical climate of silence and conformity by which he continues to be tarred and feathered. Despite Cuba's accomplishments over more than half a century of anti-capitalist social and economic reforms, its people have been beset by the government's repressive crackdown on free speech and dissent through censorship, restriction of assembly and indefinite detention. But as the furious knee-jerk calls for Guillen's firing rang out, finally yielding to a 5-game suspension, it has become abundantly clear that the worst aspects of Castro's Cuba have thrived amongst Ozzie Guillen's "freedom-loving" Miami-area detractors, along with our media, our representatives in government and Major League Baseball.
The cigar's knocking me right out. I'm loving every minute of it too. It's a good thing I bought it before writing all that slobbering bleeding-heart Castro apologia just now, you know, about how much I love him and shit. The C.I.A. would have surely rigged this thing with enough micro C4 to blow my incisors out my ass!!
Speaking of blowing it out one's ass, Mitt Romney bought a gun last week so that he could say he owns a gun in today's NRA speech. I mean, he already owned a gun. Or rather two shotguns. Or he borrows guns from his sons. But whatever the case may be, Romney's most destructive borrowed goods are every last word that comes out of his plastic billion dollar smirk, thanks to ever last idea planted in that corroded terrified lost and distraught child brain of his. Ideas which, if implemented under the title of commander-in-chief, will be more dangerous than all the borrowed firearms in the world. As the nominee-apparent of a party which excels at absolving itself of the disastrous effects of its doomed legislation, anyone who can maintain that strained whitewashed smile as he pushes for the economic condemnation of countless Americans who have nothing left to lose, surely makes no bones about allowing more guns on the street to win the backing of America's foremost lobbying giant/terror advocacy cell. But it wouldn't be enough for people like Romney to hide up in their castles and count their bounties, safe from the desolation of the commoners, they have to make all our decisions for us to. But not just for us. There are a lot of countries out there. And it's a small world, after all.
Beer's pretty warm now. It's been neglected. In favor of the slow-burning work of art disintegrating in my fingers. Really, I mean, what a smoke. Such a fine thing and to have traveled so far. Arturo Fuente and his offspring are truly the living definition of "born to do it." The shit they put up with to make this happen and come out on top, truly boggles the mind. I mean, relocating factories against a depression, the Nicaraguan revolution, loads of factories burned to the ground. Now they roll 30 million a year. And to think it all started out on Arturo's back porch in Ybor City. This masterpiece in my hand, grown in the D.R., now burning in Arizona. I just can't get over it. I'm really enjoying myself! But the real kicker here, beyond the fires and revolutions and whatnot, is the company's most historic setback. Or rather, what began as a setback, spanning the entirety of the tobacco market, only to see Arturo Fuente emerge as the victorious beneficiary of said setback: the U.S. embargo against Arturo's homeland and the homeland of finest tobacco; the aforementioned modern-day Auschwitz known as Cuba.
The president is heading south to the 6th Summit of the Americas, a gathering filled with world leaders who don't give a fuck how special he thinks he is. They want this country to stop its monetary flood on Brazil and other emerging markets
in Latin America in an effort to devalue their independent monetary
policies as the Fed attempts to stabilize an economy that the U.S.
single-handedly dismantled...or some shit like that... Rumor has it that a discontinuation of the Cuban embargo is going to be a front and center issue which the vast majority of Latin American countries will be pushing for harder than ever at this year's summit. As usual, our worthless president will, as have all previous worthless presidents, insist that Cuba make sweeping democratic reforms before our government can even consider lifting the embargo, and that's where this Grand Minister for General Mayhem loses just a few more ounces of his shit.
Our national standards for friendship, a truly fickle mistress to be sure. One month ago, the web was baying for the blood of a Ugandan butcher named
Joseph Kony through the support of a unseemly "aid" group's viral campaigning. While quite vocal of the Ugandan butcher they stand against, KONY 2012's creators were not as vocal of the Ugandan butcher they stand with;
U.S.-backed Ugandan President, Yoweri Museveni, whose genocidal onslaught against Uganda's Alcoli people is a "lack of democratic reform" in his country that Uncle Sam is willing to overlook in return for complete obedience. Or, in the case of China, a demonic nightmarish dystopia can be forgiven its past, present and future sins for economic assistance. The human rights abuses in Cuba pale to translucent when compared to America's most stalwart allies, yet they are deemed intolerable not by deed alone but rather by the unwillingness of its leaders to acquiesce to the will of the modern Caesar. But that differentiation would
require us to judge world powers accordingly, rather than pouring our
views through the sieve of U.S. foreign policy. That would require us to judge THE world power accordingly. But we mustn't. They mustn't allow us. Lest we come to realize how much of the blame rests upon the precious few, the would-be modern kings of empire, who plan everything out so fucking well.
That's why the attack on that van in Eloy is to be embedded within the minds of those that look upon it as the thwarted entry of potential cartel mules and thieves of liberty, rather than the slaughter of casualties of deviously stagnant immigration reform that maintains the denial of citizenship to countless undocumented immigrants thus preserving an indentured servant class devoid of workers rights, as it is made increasingly difficult to join this country as a legitimate adoptee. The War on Drugs must be framed as the noble cause of America doing for Latin America what it's incapable of doing for itself, rather than as an eternal foot in the door, as in The War on Terror; whereas the anti-drug gospel is preached incessantly at home, while our soldiers in Afghanistan sleep beside the poppy fields of our beloved heroin dealer Karzai. And that's why the attack on my city and nation over a decade ago must be framed as an attack on all of us, rather than as what it was: an attack on we the people alone, instigated by they the war-mongering imperialistic rulers of our country who will always hang the consequences in their endless lust for conquest, even if those consequences are a few, a hundred or thousands of American lives.
We've really got to do something about them. There's just no living with them anymore.
Fuck.
Friends and countrymen. The cigar has now left us. It will be remember for its outstanding resilience against an unstoppable foe. The fire never went out. The hope still lives. And the dream will never die.
Anyway, looks like my flight's gonna make it out of Phoenix tomorrow. But it's been a lovely time in the desert. McCain could've done a lot worse for himself, though the same can't be said for his electorate. I'm missing my city. I miss the riot, the sensuous calamity of it all. Bushwick awaits, with its sweet sounds of Bachata, reverberating from open windows, and the scents of city heat that hovers above the sidewalks year round. My mind is in summer now, and it will be here soon enough, but whenever it shows up, this time tomorrow I slumber in the Bastion.
-
Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Scottsdale, AZ
Ministry Fortified Compound #9
April 14th 2012
2:09 AM MST
"The age-old practice of politicians riding the momentum of a national tragedy in an effort to endear themselves to a hostile electorate without a reprisal is nothing new, Greg, be it for this president or any other," Adams told host David Gregory. "But given this president's record, this brand of exploitation bears a particularly transparent hypocrisy."
The GM elaborated by referencing the latest National Defense Authorization Act which provides for a domestic expanse of military power to indefinitely detain and even assassinate U.S. citizens suspected of having links to terrorism. With the President already having approved the assassination of an American citizen overseas late last year, the Grand Minister has been at the forefront of the countless concerned voices over this rapid enhancement of executive power.
"The president signed into law a nationwide 'Stand Your Ground' bill earlier this year," Adams said. "When our sons are gunned down as a result of he and this Congress' malfeasance, I don't suspect many will take comfort in the man who co-authored their death warrant comparing them to his imaginary ones."
"Well Greg, we're living in an era where someone identifying as a Keynesian or a Minskyite is just as demonized as a Marxist," Adams said. "That being said, I would nationalize pretty much everything."
The discussion then shifted to the recent public meltdown of the star narrator of the blockbuster KONY 2012 campaign video released several weeks ago, advocating for U.S. military intervention in Uganda and its bordering countries. At the peak of the video's success and scrutiny, Invisible Children big Jason Russell became the star of another popular video capturing his bizarre naked frenzy on a sidewalk in San Diego where he vandalized cars, shouted obscenities and publicly masturbated. Speculation abounded immediately over whether the meltdown could have been a product of a Ministry-initiated sabotage after the Grand Minister's open condemnation of the campaign and his harrowing statements made a week earlier in an interview on The Rachel Maddow Show:
The Grand Minister postulated that
Joseph Kony, at this point, merely serves as a red herring by which the U.S. can increase its military presence
in the region through AFRICOM and secure the oil rich reserves, in
northern Uganda and southern Sudan, from the hands of the Chinese.
"I
think their little video left a fair amount of that out," the Grand
Minister smiled. "But it's ok, we're on to the bastards and they'll know that soon enough."
On Meet The Press this morning, of Russell's epic meltdown the Grand Minister said only that "it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy" and that if anything positive were to be drawn from KONY 2012 and Invisible Children's epic crash and burn the Grand Minister would hope that it encouraged young people to give more thorough research to causes potentially worth supporting and why groups like Invisible Children should not be among them.
Meanwhile, the press, the Twitter and the San Diego PD are all abuzz in their search for the mysterious figure who picked up Russell's lengthy bar tab in the early morning hours preceding his naked sidewalk spectacle. There were no photos taken of the mysterious benefactor and the only clue the investigation has yielded thus far is the alias of the man in question, who reportedly identified himself to the bartenders only as "Red Bush Bill."
Of Dick Cheney's recent heart transplant the Grand Minister said the heart would have been "better off buried in the chest of its original owner than behind the corroded metallic ribcage of that ravenous cannibalistic hobgoblin."
Meanwhile the Ministry's Chief Drunken Communist Secretary General of Foreign
Affairs with an Accent, Colum O'Connolly was also discussing health care, making a rare television
appearance on This Week with George Stephanonpoptopalous. As The Ministry's principle authority on health care reform, the Secretary General agreed to appear on the program on the condition that he would be asked questions pertaining solely to the Supreme Court's review of the constitutionality of the current health care reform law's individual mandate. Stephanopoprocks kicked off the program by inquiring on the threats coming from the late Andrew Breitbart's anti-Ministry website BIG Mayhem.
"I'd planned on discussing health care," an incensed O'Connolly seethed.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Steppenwolf said. "But what about BIG Mayhem?? People love it when you guys in the Ministry and them snipe at each other!"
"I'm just going to go ahead and pretend you asked me about today Supreme Court hearings and provide an answer to that," O'Connolly glared. "As I've said many times before, the best health care programs in America today are the ones that operate not for profit, that's Medicare, Medicaid and the VA, and until we have fully public-owned, public-paid, and public operated
health care in America, the same old inequality and divisions will
exist."
The Secretary General went on to cite Robert Reich's recent op-ed which outlined how the most favorable of all outcomes could very well be the Supreme Court ruling the individual mandate unconstitutional.
"The Grand Minister has made clear his opposition to an individual mandate from the very start," O'Connolly said. "But rather than spelling the death of health reform altogether, the removal of the mandate could grant some political leverage to the left. If the mandate is removed, these vile insurance company snakes will come slithering up to Capitol Hill demanding that the requirement for them to cover pre-existing conditions be removed as well. That's where the ultimatum comes in."
O'Connolly indicated that the clearest route to the single-payer system he and The Ministry of General Mayhem have always desired for the nation, is to use that scenario to enact Medicare for all; granting private insurers their despicable for-profit desires while protecting the rest of the country under a public health care option.
"Unfortunately, up until now we have been subject to an administration that is at best gutless and at worst deceptive in its true aims through this health care fight," O'Connolly said. "I can offer my personal guarantee that a Mayhem administration would never hesitate to use this kind of leverage against private interests when it's available and hold the votes of these thieving Republican bastards hostage when necessary. There's no time for fucking around anymore."
In campaign news, the Grand Minister continues to lead in the Mayhem polls, as President Obama flees the country. As for the GOP candidates "running for President," Mitt Romney consistently leads the GOP field in both polls and resentment, Rick Santorum spirals further down the rabbit hole drowning in the refuse that is his existence and Newt Gingrich continues to repulse and offend with every word uttered and every move made.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
Grand
Minister Adams made an appearance on MSNBC, sitting down for an
intimate discussion in a very dark room with "his girl" Rachel Maddow.
The Grand Minister has on many occasions cited Maddow as one of his
favorite people on television, or to quote him directly "one of the only
people on television I like." To Maddow's benefit, the Grand Minister
was more frank and open in his responses than he has been in any
campaign interview to date. The two touched on everything from the
massacre in Afghanistan at the hands of a U.S. soldier to the mass exodus
of Rush Limbaugh endorsers to Joseph Kony Mania and the the fall of
Andrew Breitbart.
The
interview began with the Grand Minister gazing at Maddow longingly and
asking her if she was 100% sure she was a lesbian and, if not,
volunteered himself to assist her in testing any sexual uncertainties. Maddow
assured the Grand Minister that, just like the last several times he
asked, she remains 100% certain of her sexual identity, but thanked him for
his enthusiasm and tenacity. The interview then began with Maddow
addressing Rush Limbaugh's loss of advertisers stemming from his
description of courageous women's rights activist Sandra Fluke as a
"slut," a "prostitute" and making a request for her to videotape herself engaged in group sex and make it available for him to fondle his inverted member to, following her address to Congress in support of contraception.
"It
goes without saying, but they shouldn't have been paying him in the
first place," Grand Minister Adams said. "It's unfortunate that this has
been preceded by him enjoying a lifetime spewing bigoted bile on the
airwaves, but hey, at least the piece of shit is finally getting his."
When Maddow asked the Grand Minister if he would support the measure put forward by friend and former Ministry operative, Gloria Steinem, to petition the FCC to clear Limbaugh from the airwaves Adams shook his head, but not without caveat.
"I could count on one hand the amount of times Gloria and I have ever disagreed on anything," Adams smiled. "But, as much as it pains me to say it, I can't get on board with this one. I loathe the bastard more than anyone and I've wanted him off the air for decades, but I can't support the government deciding what should and shouldn't be listened to, even if people are choosing to listen to someone as vile and despicable as him and his vacuous, shitheaded bigoted bullshit. What I'd rather see is the entire country join together in changing the channel and never going back thus running him out of a job. I'd like to see the people lose him all of his sponsors and then finally watch the Rush Limbaugh show die a slow quiet static radio death with a not a single listener hearing his final farewell."
"Do you think we're seeing the end of Rush?" Maddow asked.
"Oh man," Adams said with a grin. "Witnessing the downfall of Murdoch AND Rush Limbaugh in the same year?? Don't even get me started on that shit!"
The discussion then gave way to the subject of the conservative media magnate who actually has met his downfall this year: BIG Government mastermind and professional muckraker Andrew Breitbart. The Grand Minister's arch-nemesis ran a successful network of websites through which he crafted many epic campaigns of character assassination pursuing everything from de-funding public advocacy group ACORN to unseating New York congressman and Ministry confidant Anthony Weiner. Less than nine months before his death, Breitbart took control of infamous anti-Ministry website Smash The Ministry and transformed it into BIG Mayhem with the explicit purpose of providing round-the-clock surveillance on The Ministry of General Mayhem with the hopes of eventually destroying the organization. For all his success, Breitbart would never live to see his greatest dream realized: a world without The Ministry.
"What was Breitbart's significance, if at all, for you...personally?" Maddow asked.
The Grand Minister paused for a moment, visibly collecting his thoughts before responding.
"Andrew was... a man who lived his life totally and completely free," Adams replied. "Free of honor, free of resolve, free of compassion, respect or accountability. It was the kind of freedom a wild dog must feel, a wild dog living off what he wants when he wants by whatever means he sees fit. Survival, as in the simple advancement of his life span, is the only criteria for meaning in his existence and how or why he completes that objective matters not to him so long as it is completed. I have been asked on occasion, since his passing, if I had any admiration for him, as one propagandist to another. I've certainly staged my share of political heists and high-speed anti-capitalist chases since becoming Grand Minister. And despite our diametrically-opposed philosophies, be they political, economic, humanistic and the like, I might have been tempted to say there was a level of admiration in a 'most worthy opponent' sense had it not been for one critical element of his battle strategy: he was a liar. There was no code for him. There was no, as I've said, resolve that he followed. Nothing other than the conservative dogma he adhered to and after that? Anything would do. Anything he had to fabricate or extort or falsify to see his plans through, he would do without hesitation. In the Bush years there were those of us who put up resistance and refused to descend into that destructive mindset and there were those who saw everything they could get if they just said fuck the rules, fuck the rest of this country, I'm gonna get mine, regardless of what's sacrificed along the way. Breitbart was a fervent disciple of Bush. As is Barack Obama and the GOP elites that condemn him alike. This power structure thrives on circumventing the pomp and circumstance of bygone entities like the Constitution or the Bill of Rights or the rule of law and simply taking or imprisoning or killing at will, according to the resources afforded them. For my part, however, I have been, and always will be, able to say that I have never deceived the public or compromised on my resolve in the pursuit of our organization's objectives. No one has ever had any question of what I stand for, nor have they ever felt any reason to distrust me or The Ministry and that's why we're doing so well in the polls. So what was his significance been to me personally? Andrew was simply everything I never wished to be."
After
noting how The Ministry of General Mayhem always seems to have a hand
in bringing the most major causes to the forefront, Maddow addressed The
Ministry's refusal to endorse the hot new Kony 2012 initiative, now sweeping
the interwebs like wildfire. Maddow referenced the Ministry High
Command's two-month-long rescue mission in Uganda last year, a report on which is being gradually released by a Ministry-appointed commission known as The Uganda Affair,
the third chapter of which is expected later this month. Rumors abound as to whether or not The Ministry High Command had any encounter with the organization behind the popular video while abroad, but The Ministry R&D dept., which appointed the commission that crafted the report, insisted that all will have to wait until the entire report is released to find out as The Ministry can not risk an intelligence leak. When Maddow
asked for the Grand Minister's personal stance on the Kony 2012 initiative, he was
more than forthcoming and characteristically candid with his response.
"Well,
you know me Rach, I've never been a very opinionated person, so I'll
just stick to the facts, as I see them, on this one," the Grand Minister
said. "Whatever the intentions of these individuals within this
Invisible Children group originally were, they are now effectively the
self-appointed welcome committee for AFRICOM and its increased U.S. military presence throughout Central Africa."
The Grand Minister likened the group to nothing more than a mainstream example of the centuries-old pursuit of missionaries utilizing cultural imperialism as a transitional mechanism by which to absorb African countries into the larger Empire. The Grand Minister went on to explain how the much more powerful villain in Uganda is its president Yoweri Museveni, whose list of human rights abuses
mirrors and rivals Kony's, as he sits in unchecked power in Kampala serving out
yet another illegitimate term in office and snuffing out the efforts of
Ugandan pro-democracy groups seeking to unseat him. The Grand Minister
detailed how Museveni has thrived for decades thanks to U.S. support and
described the troop increase by President Obama last fall,
(which follows the Ugandan Army's operations in Somalia after the U.S. claimed it was a breeding ground for al Qaeda) as the latest case of
western imperial powers garnering foreign influence through the
exploitation of regional conflicts. The Grand Minister postulated that
Joseph Kony, at this point, merely serves as a red herring by which the U.S. can increase its military presence
in the region through AFRICOM and secure the oil rich reserves, in
northern Uganda and southern Sudan, from the hands of the Chinese.
"I
think their little video left a fair amount of that out," the Grand
Minister smiled. "But it's ok, we're on to the bastards and they'll know that soon enough."
Maddow noted
how the anti-imperialist anti-war effort has been considered the Grand Minister's
signature issue since taking office in 2009. Three years later, the
Occupation of Afghanistan continues on as the longest military
engagement in America's history. Maddow questioned the Grand Minister on
his reaction upon hearing of the massacre in Kandahar of 16 Afghani
civilians at the hands of an American staff sergeant. After contesting the military's certainty that the staff sergeant acted alone the Grand Minister proceeded with his deft response.
"It
is a reaction I've had far too many times in my lifetime," the Grand
Minister said. "It is not, however, the reaction that our government, military and media intend for me to have and certainly not as often as I
have had. That is because these overseers desire that we are shocked
and repulsed by this massacre in a way that we only very uncommonly ever
are. They wish for us to perceive this atrocity as an isolated
occasion, a rogue soldier deviating from the command in a barbaric and
animalistic fashion. They wish for us to apply a unique context to this
particular massacre and separate this particular slaughter from the
day-to-day annihilation of innocent civilians at the hands of our
military. I say fuck that. Tens of thousands of civilians have died
since this conflict began. The massacre perpetrated by this soldier is a
microcosmic representation of what this Operation Enduring Freedom has
always been. What is the difference between 16 Afghanis dead by one
man's hand and 60 dead in one fell swoop from a bombing campaign? There
is none. No matter how they strive to convince us that we must forever live in this state of exception. There is no difference. Just as there is no difference between what this sick fuck did
in Kandahar the other night and the out and out murderous nationwide
rampage this whole thing has been for over a decade. There is no rule of
war. There is no honor, no cause or justification. It's not legal. It's
not just. It's not even a war. It's an occupation and it's got to end."
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
This morning saw Dr. Elkan Reskew, a senior campaign adviser,
stopping by The View to chat with Whoopi, Joy, Sherri, Elizabeth and
Barbara. The interview with the good doctor started off pleasantly
enough, but took a turn for the worse when the ladies began to push The
Ministry's chief psychoanalyst for details on the Grand Minister's
mental well-being.
"So you have nothing to say on the matter?" Walters asked in her interview voice.
"Uhmmm..." the good doctor murmured. "Did I... mention how... very EXCITED I am to be here!?"
"Every
single one of these Republican jackasses running for president has
claimed that Jared is mentally unfit to lead," Behar said. "You're
his shrink, aren't you?! Why haven't you disputed this yet?"
"No,
no! I am the official psychologist for The Ministry, but I've never
said that I'm the Grand Minister's personal therapist," the good doctor
insisted. "I have refused to analyze him on numerous occasions out of
fear of what I might find."
"Well, I found a few things," Hasselbeck said, pulling out a stack of printed pages.
"Jesus Christ, Elizabeth, just buy a fucking iPad!" Goldberg said.
"No!
They're for the liberals," Hasselbeck responded. "Speaking of which, listen
to what your 'Grand Minister' said just this morning!"
Hasselbeck
recounted choice lines from the Grand Minister's interview with Matt
Lauer on Good Morning America earlier that morning, which were taken
completely out of context by Hasselbeck, a noted conservative morning host.
Hasselbeck questioned whether or not Dr. Reskew had sensed any suicidal
tendencies in the Grand Minister, citing his response to Lauer's question of if a gun was put
to his head and the option was either death or voting for either the
Republican nominee or President Obama what he would choose, to which the Grand Minister
replied he would "pull the trigger for them."
"He
likes to convey his points of view in shocking, sometimes disturbing,
ways so as to demonstrate the finality of his convictions," Dr. Reskew
said. "I can understand that statement being concerning to those who
don't know the Grand Minister personally, but once you know him you
learn what is and is not meant to be taken literally."
"What about his statement about war hero and dear friend of the show Senator John McCain in response to McCain's call for America to lead the fight on Syria?"
Hasselbeck asked. "When he called Senator McCain a 'racist, homophobic,
traitor who advocates for the slaughter of his own people at home and
abroad,' was that meant to be taken literally, doctor?"
"I'd, uh, have to see the whole discussion," Dr. Reskew answered.
"'His
wasted old ass would do this country a great deal more good if it were
still rotting away in a North Vietnamese prison,'" Hasselbeck read.
"As I say, I'd need the full account to-" Reskew began.
"'I
have it on good authority,' the candidate said," Hasselbeck
continued to read. "'That he was only released upon completion of his
task of giving a handy to every Vietcong solidier in Hanoi, and the
injuries sustained accomplishing this impressive feat are the true
reason for his whole, you know, arm-raising problem.'"
"I always thought that was what happened," Shepherd shrugged.
"WHAT!?!?!" Hasselbeck ejaculated.
"Yes, Sherri, honestly, I suspected that as well!" Walters chimed in.
Dr. Reskew stealthily slipped away as the five co-hosts ejaculated into a raging brawl of ejaculatory exclamations and rantings.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
The
week-long media blitz kicked off Wednesday evening as Mayhem 2012
communications director, Crooked Nate Adams, begrudgingly made an
appearance on Rock Center with Brian Williams where Williams
grilled The Crooked One on how a Mayhem presidency would respond to an
array of hypothetical conflicts, from Iran to Syria to
Lana Del Rey.
"I can answer this and any future
questions you may feel the need to ask, Brian, by reiterating what the
Grand Minister has consistently made clear and that is The Ministry's
uncompromising stance on foreign entanglements as one of staunch
adherence to Starfleet's Prime Directive," Crooked Nate said. "Our
stance on a possible deployment to Syria is identical to what it was on
Libya: FUCK NO!!! DEAR GOD!!!!!!! NO!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Fair
enough," Williams said, clearly inebriated. "But what if a scenario
were to arise that was indeed a very direct threat to America's safety?
What if Iran were to develop a nuclear weapon?"
"Let me
stop you right there," Crooked Nate insisted. "Because what you're
doing is attempting to set up a much more plausible scenario than
actually exists."
"Okay, but... well...what if it happened!?" Williams said, with a funny quizzical expression.
"I
don't speak in soundbites, Williams, so you best prepare your ass for a
real answer," Crooked Nate said. "You see, I'm an actual news man, not a
bitch-made cable news knock-off on the talking-head tip. So to answer
your question of 'what would we do' let's start off with what we would
do to you and the rest of these state-run media mugs misleading the
American people by acquiescing to our government's unwarranted campaign
of hostility toward Iran over non-existent fabricated nuclear
proliferation claims which have been disputed by every single last-"
"And I apologize but we are fresh out of time!" Williams ejaculated.
"What the fuck!?" Crooked Nate ejaculated. "I just got here, Williams!!! FUCK NBC!!!"
"I'd
like to thank Crooked Nate Adams, communications director for Mayhem
2012, for joining me," Williams said, with hand hurriedly ejaculated
toward The Crooked One.
"This show is way stepped on," Crooked Nate said, shaking his head and ejaculating out of the studio. "No dap for you, Brian."
The
communications director reportedly farted loudly on Williams as he
exited the room, just before the commercial break. As Williams was
seated at the time, the epic force of the gas passing was picked up by
Williams' mic and the angle from which the camera captured the event
makes for a video that is quite funny. The footage of this set to the music of "Fart Touch" is the
most-watched and most-commented video on YouTube,
#FartCenterwithBrianWilliams is currently trending on Twitter and Skrillex
is reportedly developing a new track incorporating "the fart heard
round the world" into a heavily distorted bassline. Crooked Nate, who according to Grand Minister Adams is an avid fan of Skrillex,
has pledged to donate the money he was paid for the rights to his fart
to various charities.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
The Mayhem 2012 campaign made a tremendous Super Tuesday showing, with all 11 states granting a Mayhem Primary win to Grand Minister Adams and the Campaign for Mayhem. The campaign is rocketing along southbound for stops in Mississippi and Alabama ahead of Tuesday's primary vote. While General Election polls have consistently swung the way of Mayhem, the campaign threw a victory bash in Cleveland to celebrate its highest polls to date with a six-point lead ahead of President Obama and eight points over Willard Romney. The massive poll-surge kicked off what should prove to be a banner week for the campaign as the Grand Minister plans to wage one of his most effective trademark Mayhem media blitzes to date.
Grand Minister in Toledo, OH
Super Tuesday saw Grand Minister Adams greeting voters in Ohio as he toured Toledo County in support of his long-time friend and ally, The Great Dennis Kucinich, who was facing down a devastating primary race as the most recent victim of a partisan redistricting effort by state Republicans. The Grand Minister called the redistricting effort the most egregious anti-American assault waged by Republicans in Ohio since the Kent State massacre.
"I'm out here for Dennis who has been out here for Ohio and the entire country for over 40 years!" Adams announced. "Dennis has been an uncompromising friend of Mayhem throughout his career and he needs your help today! Don't let these fucking fascist jackals take him away from you! Not now! Not when you need each other the most!"
Adams and Kucinich (with the skyhook) in 2009
Later that evening, despite the best efforts of Adams and countless celebrity leftists,
Kucinich fell to long-time ally Marcy Kaptur in the primary battle. Aides close to the Grand Minister indicated that Adams had been "severely conflicted" ahead of Tuesday's primary battle as he is also a supporter of Kaptur. The
loss concludes 8 terms in the House of Representatives, but is sure to
be just another bump in the road in his decades of public service. Kucinich's close association with the Grand Minister and The Ministry has been well-documented ever since Adams assumed office and pictures from the infamous Ministry Garden Party of '09 would continue to plague Kucinich even after the shocking conclusion of the D3 Scandal. In spite of it all, the two remain staunch allies as of this transmission.
"In my lifetime, and indeed at any point in our nation's history, there have been precious few public servants worth shit, let alone the money we pay for them," the Grand Minister said in a toast to Kucinich that evening. "Though it saddens me to see a rep as valuable as Dennis lose his seat tonite, I am more optimistic than ever that we are entering an era in which men and women of his caliber will no longer be such an anomaly in this country."
Following the Ministry's all-nite bash in Cleveland (which served as a simultaneous wake for Kucinich's representation of Ohio's 10th District and celebration of Mayhem 2012's surge in the polls) the morning after saw Adams (according to Adams) rousing his campaign advisers from slumber, firing up the Ministry's solar-powered motorcade and soldiering on to Alabama and then Mississippi after campaign stops with Occupy Lexington in Kentucky and Occupy Nashville, which, much like Kucinich in Ohio, is facing down a state-senate mandated eviction.
While the Grand Minister heads south with his caravan of Ministry
aides, the chief advisers to the Mayhem campaign plan to work the news
circuit, spreading the gospel of the Ministry via an enslaved yet
conflicted media establishment that remains aggressively opposed to the
organization and its presidential campaign, but is also desperately in
need of ratings. All live news programs plan to operate on a 15-minute delay to accommodate network censors due to the coarse language used by Ministry members in past television
appearances.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
With less than nine precious months remaining until Election Day, the Grand Minister and his campaign are wasting no time circling the country so as to garner every last possible vote for Mayhem. Since declaring his candidacy back in July of 2011, Jared W. Adams, Grand Minister for General Mayhem, has visited every state in the union twice capping that accomplishment with his second visit to the Great State of California earlier today.
"Don't get me wrong!" Adams called out to a crowd of over two thousand San Franciscans. "I love my man Schwarzenegger, but you guys should've had a Total Recall when you had the chance!"
Grand Minister Adams applauded the recent ruling on Prop 8 by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals which ruled that the law banning same-sex marriages in California unconstitutional. The GM railed against Californians, however, for allowing Prop 8 to pass in the first place, in what he called "the most egregious example of tyranny of the majority in our lifetime."
"Alexis de Tocqueville warned us against devolving into a population of despots within what should be a great democracy," Adams raged. "You can never again allow a bunch of poisonous Utah Mormons to swoop in here and transform it into a destructive hateful tyrannical regime."
Adams acknowledged that there was still a fight ahead as anti-marriage equality bigots are sure to appeal the case to the Supreme Court where it will be in the hands of the "most corrupt piece of shit Supreme Court in decades." Despite all this, the GM says he remains optimistic.
California's All-Star District Attorney, Kamala Harris introduced Adams at the event and remained on hand throughout. Harris has been a hero for San Franciscans throughout the economic crisis and took her most forceful step yet this week in demanding that Fannie and Freddie halt foreclosures on Californians. Adams has been an enthusiastic supporter of Harris, a courageous opponent of capital punishment, for several years, supporting her run for California District Attorney which Harris won in November of 2010. Harris hosted a pro-Mayhem gala following the Grand Minister's campaign appearance which reportedly ran long into the following morning.
"I'm running against a league of morons," Adams announced to riotous applause. "These are people who haven't had to spend a second of life thirsting for the security that we, the American people, now find a far-off and exotic luxury. We need to collectively refuse and illegitimatize their brand of rulership. It is time to lead ourselves! Together we must expel the old garde of capitalist corporatist domination in favor of a new era of communal cooperation that outlaws the capitalist super structure and returns this nation to the will of its people!"
Grand Minister Adams vowed to take a break from campaigning to attend the funeral of journalist Anthony Shadid. The acclaimed writer had been a favorite foreign affairs correspondent of the Grand Minister's throughout the Iraq Occupation and "one of the only reporters on this planet worth a damn" according to Adams. Shadid died in Syria this week.
In Ministry news the Ministry as launched an anti-Trump campaign following The Donald's endorsement of Mitt Romney. After plotting and strategizing the most ideal attack on the mass mogul The Ministry has elected to re-print, in its entirety, the "Trump the Strip" saga from the pages of The Great Berkeley Breathed's 80's Bloom County comic strip.
ENJOY!
- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
This evening saw the final debate ahead of Tuesday's GOP Florida Primary in Jacksonville. The debate marked one of many GOP-MAYHEM debates in which candidate for the American presidency and Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams was invited to debate Republican presidential candidates despite his non-membership in the party. Sources from each of the major media outlets that have featured the Grand Minister in their hosted debates (all but FOX News) have indicated that Adams' surging poll numbers, and more-so the ratings his participation brings, inspired the repeated invites.
"I'm always willing to discuss my surging poll..." the Grand Minister told reporters, looking utterly pleased with himself. "..........numbers!!!"
The Grand Minister, known for being intensely truculent with the media, surprised reporters by actually attending his scheduled pre-debate press conference, arriving sober (though he began drinking at the podium) and even agreeing to field questions concerning hot topics ranging from President Obama's State of the Union Address, Iranian nuclear paranoia and even disgraced/dead Penn State coach Joe Paterno.
"It won't affect the pederast case," the Grand Minister shrugged. "Plus, if the date is pushed off for a year, I think Sandusky stands a great chance of securing the GOP nomination."
"Whether the President's skin is thin or not, it's certainly too dark for Governor Brewer's liking."
When asked for his thoughts on the president's leadership over the past four years, however, the Grand Minister snorted almost an entire can's-worth of Modelo Especial in mid-sip.
"Well, I don't think anyone can answer that question because we can really only speculate on what Obama leading anything would be like, can't we?" Grand Minister Adams replied. "The Republican Party has very clearly been the leader of any and all domestic proceedings for the past four years, with the president and his party allowing them to continue leading us further down the road to oblivion, only breaking pattern for the unconstitutional assault on Libya so as to eventually raid their vast oil reserves."
The Grand Minister arrived unshaven to the debate, alongside Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, clad in sunglasses, a tie and a suit adorned with several hundred American Flag lapels. CNN's Wolf Blitzer moderated the debate and began with Grand Minister Adams.
"...yes... I... assumed so," Blitz said. "But my question was concerning..."
"No one gives a fuck," the Grand Minister scoffed. "You're a fucking charlatan. You're a disgrace to your post, your country and your beard. I'll ask the questions tonite, bitch... Willard, let's start with you..."
"...uhhh..." Romney said.
"Daddy's not here anymore, is he?" Adams said. "You've got to be a big boy now. And releasing your tax returns was not the way to do it. That's called 'caving' or 'giving in' or 'being a punk ass.' No one needed to see that shit, but you sold out, didn't you??"
Romney looked into the crowd, facial muscles unmoved.
"Santorum..." Adams said. "...you're finished...and once you're out of this race, no one will remember you for anything other than... THIS!!!!"
Santorum looked into his podium as the Grand Minister brandished a diagram detailing The Great Dan Savage's description of a "santorum."
"Ron..." Adams said. "...you better keep the anti-war talk going because it's the only thing you're doing this country any favors on going forward..."
Paul nodded.
"And Newt..." Adams said, Gingrich turning to face the Grand Minister straight on. "... is this moon colonization shit for real??? I mean... can that shit actually happen???"
"My people are looking into it," Gingrich nodded. "What they're finding is incredible."
"Goddamn!" Adams replied. "Are you serious!?!?!?"
"An actual self-sustaining colony on the moon by 2020," Gingrich nodded.
"That's fucking incredible," Adams shook his head.
"It is," Gingrich nodded. "Fucking incredible."
"Wow," Adams said.
"Yep," Gingrich smiled.
After a brief pause Adams responded.
"It's good to know that when I'm president, and I find a way to throw you in prison, I won't have to share the same planet with your dumb ass," Adams smiled.
Gingrich's grin melted into a deathly glare, and he shuffled his notes without abandoning Adams' gaze. The Grand Minister then thanked the audience for attending and for "giving a shit about our broken down jalopy of a political system" before cuing Daft Punk's "Around the World" to be played over the speakers and exited the forum as a ravenous gang of Occupy Wall Street-affiliated furries flooded the stage and viciously dry-humped the shit out of the Grand Minister's republican opponents.
The Grand Minister continues to enjoy a 2 point lead ahead of President Obama and a 3 point lead ahead of GOP front-runner Mitt Romney in the latest polls. Tomorrow he will make a campaign stop in New Orleans before returning home to Brooklyn, NY for a confidential weekend-long meeting with Ministry Officials Attorney General Crooked Nate and Commissar of Weights and Measures Johnny Scapino. The Ministry-led sabotage of Jan Brewer's latest memoir continues to go viral.
- The Mayhem Ministry Press The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of
unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial
complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced
power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties
or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an
alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the
huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful
methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
- Ike Eisenhower, Farewell Address, January 17th, 1961
"It is indeed difficult to conceive how men who have entirely given up
the habit of self-government should succeed in making a proper choice of
those by whom they are to be governed; and no one will ever believe
that a liberal, wise, and energetic government can spring from the
suffrages of a subservient people."
Oh great foulness unending!! Oh treasonous filth unspeakable!! What bestial abhorrence!! Betrayers most stained! Behold the supreme void by which all form is to be consumed! Behold the Fall of Man! The Senate is drunk with the blood of saints!! The House filled with the names of blasphemy!! With each passing year the siege of our destruction is spelled out to the letter within the annals of armageddon by the very hands of the elected. Their inkpot filled with the blood of the innocents by the horse-masters who tends stable for the harbingers of The Final Judgement. The Kings of All the World now lie with the United States Government, and she has revealed her true name to be Babylon the Great, Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth!! The enemy has surpassed the gates!! The homeland is the battlefield!! Woe to those who dwell in the Land of Obama.
Never trust a president. They've always got too much to lose. Never underestimate their capacity for treachery. Never belittle the threat of the fascists. Never trust a president. Not the one before, not the one after and not the one now. I never trusted him. Not for an instant, in fact. And how could I? As I knew I must be, I was roundly impervious to the romantic stylings of his gaggle of campaign wizards who, from 2006 through his heartwarming election day, orchestrated a fantastical dream-like campaign, rich with darling allegories to a national redemption story foretelling the gloriously transformative future that awaited us all, should this splendid protector assume the helm. Nothing but the default setting of any political campaign, but for the presidency that it sought to follow, the horrific condition of the economy and the more horrific condition of his challenger, all underscoring the message in so buoyant a fashion that it ascended to a level nothing short of divine prophecy. For the average American voter, whose political attention span ranged somewhere betwixt slightly alert, casual or unconscious, the portrait of our president as a liberal candidate, a bright candidate and a candidate who was, above all, nothing like Bush.
All of these people were wrong.
They were wrong.
For those incapable of degrading their awareness to such pathetic and paltry levels as these, a much more accurate portrait of the man was constructed than the one force fed to the nation by his quasi-liberal sycophantic apologists and the indifferent docile masses alike. It was made maddeningly abundantly clear that this administration, even prior to its initiation, was to be naught but an annexation of its predecessor; advancing the gradual deification of the corporatist apparatus, escalating its empirical stranglehold abroad and bolstering the center-right stasis to further accommodate the financial industry's dominion over all proceedings. Obama was to be nothing but the latest steward of our national downfall.
And while I never trusted Barack Obama, I preferred him a great deal more in the early days of his presidency, when he was simply a worthless waste, a child ruler, feigning exasperation over conservative blockage while making what he could for himself on the side. It was infinitely easier to accept the
failed presidency of an incompetent statesmen, than it is to abide the out-and-out destructive force he's
transformed himself into upon this New Year's Eve; a destructive force whose latest assault is far too egregious for me to discuss without easing into it bit by bit, crime by crime, as so.
The latest National Defense Authorization Act entitled H.R. 1540 contains the usual atrocity of appropriating hundreds of billions of dollars ($662 billion) to an over-sized imperial force that funds the empire's omnipresence across the globe while our people are forced from their homes. Our service persons are sacrificed to Middle Eastern deathtraps just to hold the line long enough for the generals to level the joint and let the contractors in to profit off the reconstruction effort. Departing Iraq is burning a big hole in Uncle Sam's pocket, so, really, thank god the Afghanistan effort was stepped up when it was.
"At a time when we have tripled defense
spending since 1997 and spend more today on defense than the rest of the world
combined, I get concerned that my deficit-hawk friends say we've got to cut
Social Security, Medicare, education, health care and other programs that help
working families, but when it comes to defense spending the sky is the limit."
While the thieving bastards' bounty is laughably "offset" by the bill's 40% limit on funds to the Pakistan Counterinsurgency Fund and new sanctions imposed on the Central Bank of Iran (not to mention an ultimatum for two-timing financial systems doing business both here and there), when it comes to the true atrocity of this year's model: it's really not about the money this time.
Within the pages of H.R. 1540 the jackals have finally, incontrovertibly, turned the guns on the rest of us. In a bill presented on the floor of the Senate by John McCain, a man increasingly dead-set on taking the nation down with him on his way out the door, and Carl Levin, the classic modern Democrat who wouldn't show up for a thumb war without twelve legions at his back, the two joined together as another sizable acre of the farm was sold away. After several weeks of minimal debate, with McCain barking down any opposition as submission and Levin invoking the President's power-grab, an easy volley from Senate to House and back to Senate saw the bill's passage of 86-13 on December 14th 2011. That date will be a day long remembered, as a bill whose first version passed the Senate 93-7 and the House 283-136 and went on to decisively set ablaze our Bill of Rights by invariably embracing the horrors of the Bush Era Orwellian leviathan and rendering several of its foretold appendages flesh.
Ultimately the NDAA for Fiscal Year 2012 will codify into sacred script the provisions that allow for the indefinite detention of Americans suspected of aiding America's adversaries in this eternal War on Terror. Through this bill, the designation of our entire nation as a battlefield in the past decade is solidified more explicitly than ever. Through this bill, the parameters for those that the president may target are expanded beyond those set down in the Authorization for Use of Military Force of 2001 to include those who "substantially supported" al Qaeda, the Taliban or "associated forces that are engaged in hostilities against the United States or its coalition partners." Through this bill, this president or the next or whichever, is made capable of criminalizing dissent and sending all suspects before a military tribunal or worse.
Too many of my brothers and sisters arrested throughout the fall have already felt the cold icy boot of indefinite detention upon their necks; plucked from the streets whilst engaged in demonstrations against a savagely defaced powerstructure that now fosters such barbaric legislation as this act. Allies would tell me of riding around in packed vans for hours before being deposited in a cold cell for days, sometimes an entire weekend or longer, waiting for a judge to crawl out of his Johnnie Walker long enough to come in and sign off on the case. Such abuses of our justice system, that continue to befall my neighbors on Wall Street, are nothing compared to what awaits us now.
"The discussion now to suspend certain rights of due
process is especially worrisome since we are engaged in a war that
appears to have no end. Rights given up now cannot be expected to
return. So we do well to contemplate the diminishing of due process
knowing full well that rights we give up now may never be restored."
- Sen. Rand Paul, November 29th, 2011
Allow me to abridge the usual libertarian disclaimer that accompanies any mention of the Paul clan and their followers, by simply stating that my enemy's enemy is my friend on this one. You can always count on the libertarians to show up for a row like this and Paul delivers one of his typical history lessons to a Congress, unfortunately, in dire need. By citing Lincoln's Civil War era suspension of habeas corpus, Paul inadvertently shines a light on the irony of a president who gave us one of the most impassioned warnings against casting away our civil liberties with his Lyceum Address and was in turn responsible for dealing them one of their most egregious violations. With two weeks until his 29th birthday, Lincoln's speech before the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois asserted the belief that America's true downfall would not come from outside attacks, but by implosion:
"At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I
answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It
cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must
ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we
must live through all time, or die by suicide."
That gun is now loaded. It's in our nation's hand. The barrel is digging into our collective temple. With the passage of the 2012 NDAA, all activist groups will automatically make the shitlist. Not the list they were already on. It's common knowledge that the FBI already keeps terror-watch tabs on everything from Greepeace to PETA. Now we have yet another reminder that it's more dangerous to be an activist than it's been in over 50 years. But there will be plenty of room in the cell for the disengaged as well, who go about their business and quietly love their country and scream for their neighbors to defend them when the State Dept. drags them from their homes. Soon we will all feel the same day to day scrutiny put upon the American Muslims, who have spent a decade as lightning rods for a nation's paranoia. The same palpable fear that is felt at security checkpoints in airports the nation over, increasingly crippling us through every text message we send, every phone call we make: The Fear of saying something a little off, something a little un-American, something our great overseers decide lends aid to The Enemy.
"No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices."
- Edward R. Murrow, in a speech to his staff, March 9th, 1954
It has been said that when the day arrives when all but our last remaining civil liberties have been sold away and they finally seek to embed us all with internal tracking devices, that they will not have to hunt us down with Academi mercs or scour their camera networks to pin us down and force it upon us: they say that lines will form. That we will demand that such a device be administered, all in the name of our safety, handed down from our paternal god-king authority. Safety, they call it. And I ask, who is the one to decide that for which I should not risk my life, when he is the same one who takes away that for which I would give it? And yet we continue to support this dystopian future along with its very architects; applauding them, endorsing them, loving them. But regardless of who pulls the hammer back, we must remember who put the gun in our hand and sat back and waited for us to pull the trigger.
We must not believe for one moment the impassioned assertions and lengthy signing statements coming from this administration insisting that this bill changes nothing. This president knows the law and the constitution and knows how this game is played. It's not about what the text requires him, or any other president, to do. It's about what it's broad enough to allow them to do. Obama tasted blood with the bin Laden assassination. He liked the way that felt. And while he claims to have only passed this temptation of unholy fire to the next president, vowing not to utilize this great power of indefinite detention of his opponents throughout his remaining time in office, never forget that his signing statement is in no way legally binding and that this promise comes from a man who killed an American citizen on foreign soil.
While I maintain that he was poisoned from the start, his tale may very well be painted as the epic tragedy of the man who assumed the tyrant's throne with the intent of ruling as the good king, as the bright new son of a peaceful nation, who would deliver it to the days of glory. He would rule in accordance with the ancient texts and not seek power outside his designated bounds. Though sure enough, somewhere along the way, he faltered, and the insatiable lust for power consumed the good king, as it had all crowns prior, and the monarch strove less and less to conceal the ravenous beast within. Until one dawn his people awoke in a wasteland shadow of their nation's former splendor and the king at last relinquished the throne to the soulless ghosts of consumption that hover over all nations, profiting with no allegiance, operating without law, obeying only the relentless command of excess as do all those whose hearts dwell in the Shrine of Moloch.
Prepare yourselves. Prepare yourselves now. For this is the penultimate chapter of our nation's true narrative. The epic poem of our beloved country is not now nor has it ever been written in the latest vacuous GOP debate or the president's latest preposterous bus tour stop or a wasteful White House honor service for the Dallas Mavericks. The true divine verses are inscribed through the bloody faces of the LA anarchists, the feet that carry fearful Muslims to the mosque, the fingers that create a nationwide boycott in mere days and the eyes that look upon the truth that once seen is never unknown again. We must all hold this quill now in order to write this most essential chapter or be doomed to suffer an eternity of its demonic fascist transformation, which not only writes us out of all pages to come but tears out and burns all chapters preceding.
-
Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
January the 1st 2011
1:28 AM EST
